Benny Hinn and other Comedians

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Text and Sound Files taken from Clay Loomis’ Oddities Wav Page

The Photos are my own addition. Listen and Enjoy!

A lot of strange stuff has happened in the world. William Shatner & Leonard Nimoy tried to sing. Jerry Falwell & Pat Robertson think feminists caused the 9/11 tragedy. Some people do very strange things with gerbils, and pay the price. Here you’ll hear about those things and other audio oddities.

Sounds are password protected. Enter the following for access-
USER NAME is 1 PASSWORD is 1

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I didn’t digitally fiddle with any of these clips. These people do their own fiddling- with other folks wallets.

There’s this guy named Benny Hinn running a little God sideshow called the Benny Hinn Ministries. Benny whacks people on the head, which cures their cancer and makes their missing limbs grow back. Nice guy. Apparently, lots of people buy that shit too, because they give him a lot of money for that show. Here, Benny explains how he’d like to pop a cap in someone’s ass.
God’s machine gun 32k

benny hinn

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On December 31st, 1989, Benny did some prognostication for the upcoming 1990’s. OOPS!

The Spirit tells Benny-boy that Fidel Castro will die. Swing-and-a-miss, strike one 66k

The Lord tells Benny that in ’94 or ’95 (Apparently, The Lord was kind of vague)
the entire homosexual community in America will be destroyed.

Swing-and-a-miss, strike two 132k

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His wife Suzanne takes the stage and does her act as well. A serious nut-job in her own right, Mrs. Hinn actually said this onstage in front of a huge congregation, and it went out over the airwaves to Hinntites everywhere. The video of this instance of insanity is freely available on the Web. She sounds winded, but it’s only because she’s worn herself out walking back and forth. At the end of all this nonsense she throws herself to the ground and rolls around like she has rabies or something, which, for all I know, she does (it would explain a lot). If anyone is offended by this file, don’t blame me. Talk to the con artists at the Benny Hinn Ministries.
Colonics for Christ 222k

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Jerry Falwell & Pat Robertson blame the 9/11 attacks on the ACLU, feminists, and other Americans. 115k Gee, and all this time I’ve been blaming Muslim terrorists.

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On Monday, 9/22/05, Pat Robertson announced on his nutbag religious show, The 700 Club, that the United States should send in covert operatives and assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. After a huge international uproar, Pat announced on his Wednesday show that his words had been taken out of context and that he never said anything of the kind. YES HE DID! Here is the audio from his Monday show. You tell me, does this sound out of context to you? Of course, assassinating foreign leaders is against U.S. law, but Pat goes on to say that killing Chavez shouldn’t effect shipments of oil from Venezuela. Well, I guess that makes it O.K. for Pat, but I wonder what version of the Bible he’s been smoking.

I find it very disturbing that someone who vents his conservative political agenda so openly can gain tax-free status as well by presenting himself as a man of God. He’s just Rush Limbaugh with a Bible in his pocket. What’s truly frightening is that thousands of stupid Americans listen to and believe this shithead.
If God does exist, Pat Robertson will go straight to Hell! 197k

Jerry Falwell & Pat Robertson
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I love this one. This is a clip featuring Pastor Arnold Murray, of the Shepherd’s Chapel church. During the broadcast, someone obviously arrives off camera and yells “Blasphemy!” Sounds of a struggle can be heard as well. Pastor Arnold brings his finger across his throat to try and cut taping, but before they can cut away, the good pastor whips open his briefcase, pulls out a pistol and……… Well, just give a listen.
No cheek turning here. This is pure Old Testament stuff. Don’t ask me what happened to the boy. This clip goes right up to the end of the broadcast and I know nothing of what happened afterward. The Pastor’s packing heat! 46k

Pastor Arnold Murray

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This is Dr. Fred Price preaching at the Ever Increasing Faith Ministries in California. Here he explains how good Christian kids should deal with drug dealers in their neighborhoods.
Smash their heads with a brick 39k Kids, if you want to live very long, don’t actually try this.

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Links;

The Wooden Bowl – Life Lessons

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The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.

But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. ‘We must do something about father,’ said the son. ‘I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.’

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl!

When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, ‘What are you making?’

Just as sweetly, the boy responded, ‘Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.’ The four-year-old smiled and went back to work .

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I’ve learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life..’

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch – holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.!

I’ve learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about.

I just did

Old Cancer Face McCain Pledges to Fight the Mooslimbs

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This is the man that is going to continue the Bush legacy in America. What a wonderful piece of news. This win in Florida by McCain should definitely inspire confidence in the world markets.

The same old failed foreign and domestic policies that the entire world has rejected, and shown to be full of holes, will continue.

There was no WMD’s in Iraq, Iran does not have nuclear weapons (but will still be invaded of course), 911 was an inside job, the budget deficit is growing exponentially, and the Amero is coming soon.

Plan A – fight the Mooslimbs and end all problems.

When that fails, there is Plan B, which is best summarized as “dooh!”

Oh happy days!

What’s next? Giuliani for Vice President? This is the perfect Republikan Republican nomination ticket – an old guy (71 years old) with cancer and a little younger guy (63 years old) also with cancer (prostate).

How appropriate that one has it in the face and the other in the ass.

How come the oldest guy in the race, Ron Paul (73 years old) looks the healthiest and most honest? Perhaps because “the truth shall set you free”?

We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.
Blaise Pascal

All hail to the outgoing Caesar (fingers crossed)…

“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.”
Abraham Lincoln

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised – Gil Scott Heron

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The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

You will not be able to stay home, brother.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out.
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and skip.
Skip out for beer during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox
In 4 parts without commercial interruptions.
The revolution will not show you pictures of Nixon blowing a bugle and leading a charge by John Mitchell, General Abrams and Spiro Agnew to eat hog maws confiscated from a Harlem sanctuary.

The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by the Schaefer Award Theatre and will not star Natalie Woods and Steve McQueen or Bullwinkle and Julia.
The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal.
The revolution will not get rid of the nubs.
The revolution will not make you look five pounds
thinner, because the revolution will not be televised, Brother.

There will be no pictures of you and Willie May pushing that shopping cart down the block on the dead run, or trying to slide that color television into a stolen ambulance.
NBC will not be able predict the winner at 8:32 or report from 29 districts.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of Whitney Young being run out of Harlem on a rail with a brand new process.
There will be no slow motion or still life of Roy Wilkens strolling through Watts in a Red, Black and Green liberation jumpsuit that he had been saving for just the proper occasion.

Green Acres, The Beverly Hillbillies, and Hooterville Junction will no longer be so damned relevant, and women will not care if Dick finally gets down with Jane on Search for Tomorrow because Black people will be in the street looking for a brighter day.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no highlights on the eleven o’clock news and no pictures of hairy armed women liberationists and Jackie Onassis blowing her nose.
The theme song will not be written by Jim Webb, Francis Scott Key, nor sung by Glen Campbell, Tom Jones, Johnny Cash, Englebert Humperdink, or the Rare Earth.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be right back after a message about a white tornado, white lightning, or white people.
You will not have to worry about a dove in your bedroom, a tiger in your tank, or the giant in your toilet bowl.
The revolution will not go better with Coke.
The revolution will not fight the germs that may cause bad breath.
The revolution will put you in the driver’s seat.

The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised, will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.

Gil Scott-Heron, on Wikipedia

David Barsamian, of Alternative Radio did a great lecture called “Another World Is Possible“, in Long Beach, Calif., Nov. 17, 2005, sponsored by Global Voices for Justice. [MP3 stream or MP3 download] (74MB, 80 minutes).

He did a great revised edition of this famous piece. It is worth listening to the entire lecture.

Liberty for Freedom?

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“All that is necessary for evil to triumph, is for good men to do nothing.”

“The people never give up their liberties, but under some delusion.”

Edmund Burke
(1729-1797) Irish-born British statesman, parliamentary orator, and political thinker

“The last stage but one of every civilisation, is characterised by the forced political unification of its constituent parts, into a single greater whole.”

Arnold J. Toynbee
(1889-1975) British historian

“People demand freedom only when they have no power.”

Friedrich Nietzsche
(1844-1900)

“They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security.”

Benjamin Franklin
(1706-1790)

The world is a garden…

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The world is a garden, whose gardener is the state;
The state is the sultan whose guardian is the Law;
The Law is a policy, which is protected by the kingdom;
The kingdom is a city, brought into being by the army;
The army is made secure by wealth;
Wealth is gathered from the subjects;
The subjects are made servants by justice;
Justice is the axis of the prosperity of the world.

Jami’ al-‘ulum

Interesting Trivia Questions and Answers – Useless Facts

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In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of thumb”

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David

Hearts – Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds – Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father’s Day

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In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.”

It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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